I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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