____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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