If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
