I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
We are all done wearing pants today
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
