i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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