just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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