I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
