Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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