SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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