some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
