My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize