mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
