Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
