I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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