Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
