All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
