I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
