Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
