Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize