In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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