You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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