I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
