dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize