I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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