fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
We don't watch enough power rangers
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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