I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
