Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
