We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
