Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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