At least make sure they are 18
Why
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
