Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
