When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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