He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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