yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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