i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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