first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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