I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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