So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
