I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
