All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
