All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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