Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
