Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
