even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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