My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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