I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
