Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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