everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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