Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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