This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
