There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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