I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Randomize
