If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
