We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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