don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize