I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I want her autograph on my taint
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
we're so committed to being not committed
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
