I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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