Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
