fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
