So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
