1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Drunk is a universal language darling
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
