You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
