Please don't use social media to get back at me.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
