Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
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