If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize