The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
