and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
