There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize